He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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