did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so that wasnt chicken after all
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Randomize
