ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize