Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
