mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
