I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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