I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
