nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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