Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
