ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
