Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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