just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
