My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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