I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
