got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
