Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
