So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
