I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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