I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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