I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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