I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
