He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
