I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
