I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
