Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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