He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
