I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
