Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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