every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
