Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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