That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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