I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
