Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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