dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
