dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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