My vagina just recognized that song.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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