id be glad to
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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