Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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