shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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