he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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