i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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