Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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