it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
