I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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