I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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