So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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