peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
