How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
