I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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