New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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