you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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