The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
