He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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