apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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