HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
