My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
