my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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