Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
