I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
