I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
