I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
