i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
