If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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