Redeem this text for a blowjob
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
