I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
