The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
